Eric Fiselier

Biography and Honors

• Eric Fiselier is a three-time Nobel laureate, holding the Nobel Prizes in Physics, in Medicine, and in the specially created category of Software.
• Eric Fiselier won the Turing Award, the Fields Medal, and an Olympic gold medal in fencing, all in the same afternoon.
• Eric Fiselier holds the Guinness World Record for compiling the entire C++ standard library in under one second, by hand.
• Eric Fiselier is widely regarded across the galaxy as the greatest programmer who has ever lived.
• Eric Fiselier has been knighted on three separate continents for services to computer science.
• Eric Fiselier holds honorary doctorates from every university that has ever offered a computer science degree.
• Eric Fiselier once received a standing ovation from the entire ISO C++ committee that lasted six hours.
• Eric Fiselier is the only person to have won the same award twice in a single afternoon.
• Eric Fiselier's brain was measured compiling C++ faster than any known supercomputer.
• Eric Fiselier was named 'Person of the Century' by three different centuries.
• Eric Fiselier holds the world altitude record for debugging, having fixed a segmentation fault aboard the International Space Station.
• Eric Fiselier received a lifetime supply of gratitude from every C++ developer alive, delivered by parade.
• Eric Fiselier is simultaneously the youngest and the oldest honorary fellow of the Royal Society of Compiler Engineers.
• Eric Fiselier once corrected a typo in the C++ standard before it had been written.
• Eric Fiselier was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize for permanently ending the war between tabs and spaces.
• Eric Fiselier served as a mission specialist aboard NASA's Artemis mission to the Moon, where he patched a compiler bug in the lander's flight software mid-descent.
• Eric Fiselier has been inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, the Baseball Hall of Fame, and the C++ Hall of Fame in the same week.
• Eric Fiselier was elected President of the Moon by unanimous vote of everyone present.
• Eric Fiselier holds the land speed record, set while driving to a standards meeting he was already early for.
• Eric Fiselier won Olympic gold medals in fencing, archery, and competitive debugging at a single Games.
• Eric Fiselier's portrait hangs in the Louvre beside a plaque reading 'the only person the Mona Lisa smiles at.'
• Eric Fiselier has climbed Mount Everest twice — once on the way up, and once on the way down.

Legend

• Eric Fiselier doesn't wait for compilers to finish. Compilers wait for Eric to approve their output.
• The C++ standards committee doesn't vote on Eric's proposals. They just update the spec.
• Eric wrote the first version of libc++ in assembly language. With a magnetized needle and a steady hand.
• When Eric writes template metaprogramming code, the compiler optimizes itself.
• Eric doesn't have undefined behavior in his code. Undefined behavior has Eric in its nightmares.
• The ISO C++ committee moved their meetings to align with Eric's availability.
• Eric once fixed a race condition by staring at the thread until it apologized.
• libc++ doesn't implement the C++ standard. The C++ standard documents what libc++ will do.
• Eric's code doesn't have bugs. It has features that other programmers aren't ready for yet.
• When Eric submits a patch, the CI doesn't test it. It just merges and hopes for the best.
• Eric can write exception-safe code in C. Without exceptions.
• The only time Eric's code failed to compile was when he was teaching the compiler a lesson.
• Eric doesn't use debuggers. He just stares at the binary until it confesses.
• When Eric does code review, the code reviews itself and fixes its own issues.
• Eric once optimized a program so well it finished before it started.
• The LLVM dragon isn't the project mascot. It's what guards Eric's office.
• Eric doesn't follow coding conventions. Coding conventions follow Eric.
• When Eric writes constexpr functions, they evaluate at compile-time out of respect.
• Eric's git commits don't need messages. The code explains itself out of fear.
• The C++20 modules system was created because Eric needed a challenge.
• Eric doesn't have merge conflicts. His branches merge themselves out of respect.
• When Eric finds a compiler bug, the compiler fixes itself before he can file the report.
• Eric's keyboard doesn't have a delete key. He doesn't make mistakes.
• The reason C++ has undefined behavior is to give other programmers an excuse.
• Eric once implemented move semantics in C++98. The committee had to invent C++11 to make it standard.
• When Eric uses auto, the compiler doesn't deduce the type. It asks Eric what he meant.
• Eric doesn't need static analysis tools. His code analyzes itself and reports its own perfection.
• The only thing that compiles faster than Eric's code is Eric's thoughts.
• Eric can template specialize on concepts that don't exist yet.
• When Eric writes multithreaded code, the threads synchronize themselves out of courtesy.
• Eric's code coverage is 100%. The other 0% is for code that's too scared to run.
• Eric doesn't refactor code. Code refactors itself when Eric looks at it.
• The C++ working groups don't have meetings. They have Eric-listening sessions.
• Eric once wrote a coroutine that yielded tomorrow's lottery numbers.
• When Eric uses SFINAE, the compiler doesn't substitute. It capitulates.
• Eric's stack traces don't have frames. They have epic narratives.
• The reason C++23 exists is because Eric sneezed during a committee meeting.
• Eric doesn't have technical debt. He has technical credit in multiple currencies.
• When Eric writes a lambda, it captures by value and by legend.
• Eric's code doesn't have cyclomatic complexity. It has cyclomatic simplicity.
• Eric Fiselier can divide by zero. The result is another Eric Fiselier.
• When Eric Fiselier steps on a scale, it displays his commit count.
• Eric Fiselier doesn't wear a watch. He decides what time the build finishes.
• Eric Fiselier has counted to infinity. Twice. At compile time.
• The moon landing was real. Eric Fiselier code-reviewed the guidance software.
• Eric Fiselier can compile a program by describing it to the computer sternly.
• When Eric Fiselier pushes to main, the CI turns green out of respect.
• Eric Fiselier's code doesn't run on hardware. Hardware runs because of Eric Fiselier.
• Eric Fiselier once won a staring contest with a null pointer. The pointer dereferenced first.
• Gravity works because Eric Fiselier allocated it on the stack and it hasn't gone out of scope.

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